Oh well.  It was nice while it lasted.

"Gasoline" - Brand New

So you tried to put a fire out, but you used gasoline.
And when the congregation gathered round
You were screaming "It wasn't me!"
So there's a sickness that is going round
But no one's got a vaccine.
I think you're treading holy water
I think it's time we all come clean.

I swear it's like dying to catch a ghost.
It feel's like I'm trying to hold smoke.
I swear it's like dying to catch a ghost.
It feel's like I'm trying to hold smoke.

When the army had to hold the line
You were nowhere near the front.
Before the kids could tell the dog goodbye
You were loading up your gun.
I want to know what is the great divide
I want to know what I’ve become.
You think that no one else is lonesome
You think that you’re the only one.

It feels like I’m jumping towards a train,
It feels like I’m jumping towards a train.

We all try to fake a way

It feels like I’m jumping towards a train,
It feels like I’m jumping towards a train.

We all try to fake a way

Tiny and I have something in common we never knew.  Neither of us can remember anything before sixth grade.  We have been friends since we were toddlers.  We haven't had the most stable friendship, but for now we are rock solid. 

I lent her the book Identical by Ellen Hopkins.  Basically, it's about a girl who gets molested by her father.  For some reason, the book is resounding deeply with her. 

"Fray, you know I can't remember my childhood?"
"You can't?  No way.  Me neither."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Well this book terrifies me that something may have... happened.  And that's why I can't remember."
"....."
"Fray?"
"Sorry... it's just that I have the exact same fear."

We stared at each other, incredulous.  I had the feeling that we had just shared a huge secret.  And we had.  Who knew that we shared something so monumental.

I am so sorry I don't indulge every detail of my life or how I'm feeling with you.  Maybe I would if you wouldn't give me that sad puppy dog face and whine about how you can't make things better.  Don't get me wrong, I love you.  I really do.  But please don't take it personally when I don't tell you every-fucking-thing.  You don't need to hear it.

On a happier note, my history teacher watches Futurama.  As if he wasn't cool enough already for listening to Nirvana.

<3

I'm beginning to hate Keyboarding.  It's too loud.  I've cried in there before.  I just can't take it.  But I can't switch out because it's only a semester course.  So until December I'm stuck in there.  I briefly explained to the teacher about my anxiety and about how the "music" just becomes unbearable noise.  She lets me cover my ears and put my head between my knees to try to tune it out.  I must look demented.

These last few days have been hard.  Really really hard.  I'm on the verge of a relapse.  But I can't.  I've been bribed again.  If I can make it until my birthday (one month from today) then Hope promises she won't acknowledge it.  No presents, no party.  Oreo promised he'd do the same if I can make it until New Years.  I don't want to go that long without it, but I don't want to have a birthday more.  Not having razors in my room helps a bit.  But still, I want to run to the drug store and buy one.  Just one.  I want to hold it in my hand, run my thumb over the edge.  There's a safe familiarity in the sharpness.

I made a 72 on my Human A&P test and an 83 on my Algebra II test.  I'm not surprised.  I barely understood the material.  I barely understand half of what is going on around me.  I'm dying.  I want to go home even though I'm sitting here in my living room typing this.  I'm going to be alone tonight.  I don't know if that's a good idea... but I don't want to go to Hope's house.  I'll just keep several conversations going whenever I can.  I don't know if I'm being responsible or stupid.